(Secure) Attachment Is the Warmest Colour

Feb 18 min read

In sex, as in life, is secure attachment the optimal strategy? I look into how our attachment styles influence making whoopee. You’re welcome.

The cover page of the French graphic novel "Blue Is the Warmest Colour" by Julie Maroh.

Strings Attached

I have a confession to make: I am a bit obsessed with attachment. But then, for me, there is one thing even better than attachment. It is sex and attachment. They are not always the easiest bedfellows (pun intended), but crikey, when they align, it’s fireworks.

Some time ago, I co-wrote a blog post playing with the idea that attachment (not love) is, in fact, the Fifth Element. This fifth element truly shines when attachment is secure—it's the optimal strategy for relating to the people who matter the most in our lives. But is the secure attachment also the golden ticket to a fulfilling sex life?

As a therapist (and a human), I know all too well that sex life can be unremarkable, bland, too tame, inhibited, unfulfilling, sometimes a chore, ordeal even. For some it is virtually non-existent. All of the above within the confines of a stable relationship, making it, when it comes to sex, more a golden cage than a safe haven.

But for those of us who have renounced any church that offers absolutes, the only place of worship might be the bedroom. In other words, sex is not only a thing of concupiscence and pleasure but also transcendence. We owe it to ourselves to make it count.

So, in a species that seems to make everything around sex so complicated, is secure attachment really the warmest colour?

Before We Dive In: A Quick Note on Attachment and the Populations Studied

While there are three insecure adult attachment styles, I will be focusing on attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance—simply because most research has been conducted using these categories.

And while some non-straight couples may have been included in some studies, the majority of findings discussed here apply to heterosexual couples living in specific parts of the Western world. The results would not necessarily hold in different cultural or less heteronormative setups.

Enjoying Making Whoopee

When it comes to making whoopee, according to research, the real underdog seems to be anxious attachment. The higher the anxiety, the lower the levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction. Ouch.

On the other hand, attachment avoidance appears to be less damaging to sexual satisfaction than anxious attachment. But hang on, there is a catch there too: it is negatively linked to the relational aspects of sex—things like intimacy, seeing a partner as loving and caring, and believing that sex deepens the emotional bond. In other words, the sex might be hot, but the heart is not.

And what about orgasms? Well, according to the same study, avoidant attachment doesn’t seem to mess with orgasmic responsivity (which, I think, is just a fancy way of saying how often and easily someone orgasms).

How about the anxious attachment? Here, there is an effect and it is negatively associated with orgasm frequency. Not cool for women with an anxious attachment.

Sex and Emotional Intimacy

When it comes to insecure attachment, sex isn’t just about pleasure—it often serves as a means to fulfill underlying attachment “goals,” so to speak.

For those with an avoidant attachment, sex can be a way to create distance and defend against intimacy. On the flip side, anxious attachment might turn sex into a desperate attempt to satisfy that insatiable need for closeness or use it as a 'barometer' for the relationship’s health.

Research also suggests that anxious attachment tends to conflate sex and love, in line with that idea that sex is used to compensate for a perceived insufficient emotional connection in this attachment style.

Fantasies

Believe it or not, attachment even sneaks its way into the world of fantasies.

But first, let's stop and reflect for a moment as to why we fantasise, and what shapes the content of our fantasies? Are they a way to compensate for an unfulfilling sex life, or are they a bonus, an expression of a healthy sexuality? Are they an escape from reality, or do they enhance it?

In fact, it turns out that, generally speaking, people with a more active and fulfilling sex life also fantasise more. More fantasies have been linked to more orgasms, greater arousal, and higher sexual desire. Really, it seems like a no-brainer—sexy fantasies are a very good thing.

But back to attachment. Not only does attachment shape our sex lives, but it even influences the content of our fantasies.

Take anxious attachment, for example—people with this style are more likely to fantasise in ways that mirror their internal working model. Their fantasies often feature them as helpless and needy, while their partners are warm, affectionate, and reassuring.

Now, can you guess what the fantasy world of avoidant individuals looks like? Their objects of desire tend to be distant, impersonal, emotionally detached, alienated.

In other words, even in the safe, make-believe world of sexual fantasies, we still don’t feel entirely safe. Instead, we fall back on our attachment defenses—because even in our own heads, fully surrendering to the other can seem like too much of a risk.

It also turns out that people with attachment anxiety tend to romanticise their sexual fantasies—likely as yet another attempt to compensate for the ever gaping hole of emotional closeness with the other.

Fantasies seem to be the wishful thinking according to our own internal working models. Put like that, it makes sense.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby: Communication Around Sex and Attachment Styles

Samantha Jones famously declares in the Great Sexpectations episode of Sex and the City that when it comes to sex, you should: "Spray it, don’t say it." In her view, when the sex isn’t great, talking about it is just a downer. But as useful as Samantha's character's advice can be at times, this time she got it all wrong.

Research is clear: open communication about sex is one of the strongest predictors of both sexual satisfaction and overall relationship happiness. In fact, the ability to openly and honestly express sexual preferences, negotiate control, and discuss timing plays a huge role in making sex—and relationships—more fulfilling.

That latter makes perfect sense to me: if a relationship can handle some of the trickiest conversations about intimacy (which, in our society, are still so often tangled in taboo, encountered with either defence or prudishness), that alone speaks volumes about relationship's strength.

So, how does this tie into attachment styles?

Well, insecure attachment—marked by uncertainty or a fragile sense of how others will respond to our needs—naturally makes communication less straightforward. Instead of openly expressing what they want, those with insecure attachment may either suppress their needs altogether or rely on indirect, roundabout strategies to get them met.

And, as you might expect, this doesn’t bode well for sex. Research confirms that insecure attachment is linked to inhibited communication about sexual needs, which, in turn, negatively impacts what happens in the bedroom.

Sneaking Around and Sleeping Around

Are attachment styles linked to bed-hopping? Turns out, quite a bit.

Avoidant attachment has been associated with more positive attitudes toward casual sex, a higher number of casual encounters, emotionless sex, and one-night stands.

Anxious attachment, on the other hand, is tied to long-term relationships and an intense desire for commitment. At the end of the day, someone with an anxious attachment style is often too busy worrying about whether their partner will leave—obsessively tracking subtle signs of fading love—to even consider sex with someone else. When it comes to anxious attachment, it’s less about their own needs and more about keeping the idealised other from slipping away.

So far, it all makes sense, in the light of attachment needs.

But things are never black and white. For example anxiously attached individuals have been found to fall in love easily and indiscriminately, often in yet another attempt to chase that elusive, almost impossible level of safety and security in a romantic relationship.

Intentions to cheat are one thing, but actually following through is something entirely different. And here, avoidant attachment plays the bad boy. Multiple studies have shown that it is positively linked to infidelity in long-term relationships. This holds true even when controlling for sexual satisfaction and desire.

In other words, even if avoidantly attached individuals are still sexually attracted to their partners and feel good about their sex life with them, they are still more likely to cheat. This suggests that, for them, cheating and having sex might serve as a strategy to sabotage emotional intimacy. The antics!

However, this doesn’t mean that everyone with an avoidant attachment style is a cheat in waiting. Cheating isn’t exclusive to any one attachment style—I’ve worked with people who have cheated on their partners across all attachment styles, including the secure.

People cheat for many reasons: because they are unhappy in their relationship, because they crave a new spark, because they are drunk, or because they are going through a mid-life crisis. These reasons—and many others—are part of the universal human experience, not tied to any specific attachment style. Nor cheating is it always a negative event. In fact, I am of the view that it sometimes is the best thing that can happen to a couple.

A Middle Finger to the Matthew Effect

When something we are initially given in life leads to even more success or benefits, this is known as the Matthew effect. The name comes from a quote from the Gospel of Matthew saying "For to every one who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away." Basically, the rich get richer, the poor get poorer.

Based on everything I’ve discussed, having a secure attachment seems to create a kind of Matthew effect. Life with others feels easier, which, in turn, makes the individual seem easy and comfortable to be around—further reinforcing their secure attachment. A positive self-fulfilling prophecy. And sex is no exception.

However, at the end of the day, in life we have been dealt the cards we have been dealt, and not all of us have been blessed with a secure attachment. We can try and work towards an earned security, but in the meantime, nothing and no one should stand in our way of enjoying some of life’s greatest gifts—our body intertwined with the body of another. With consent, of course. Making the most of the short time we are given on this rock in space we call home. And so, we should. Whatever our attachment style.

So, don’t give up on the earthly (and sometimes truly heavenly) pleasures. One way or another, in the next few days...give yourself an orgasm, or let someone else take you there. Multiple times. Make an intense connection, experiment with fantasising—eyes wide open or wide shut. No guilt. Play. Attachment and sex are the warmest colour.

As ever, thank you for reading. For updates you can follow me on BlueSky or subscribe to my mailing list.

A big shoutout and thanks to Jehan Ganachaud for critically engaging with my thoughts on the topic. Forever grateful for our crazy discussions.

Thanks to Prof. Gurit Birnbaum for answering my questions and recommending some essential readings.

Literature and resources on links between sex and attachment for those who want to go deeper: